Countering Perfectionism, by Laura Goulian, LCSW
Enjoying the Outdoors in Early Spring
I should enjoy time outdoors during these weeks of early spring. After winter’s puddles and gray skies, my neighborhood presents a feast for my senses. The warbling of birds, the fragrance of early flowers, and the burst of color are so welcome after the austerity of the winter landscape.
Yet, in my yard, I see only bare patches where even weeds won’t grow. The “natural areas” are just untended leaf and stick piles, sometimes hiding deposits from our dogs on days when it was too cold—or I was too lazy—to walk them.
Over the fence, my neighbor’s grass is a pristine carpet, bordered by carefully mulched beds. Shrubs bend under the weight of new flowers. Staring at their waving daffodils, I long for winter’s return—the great equalizer—when all our yards are equally mediocre.
The Burden of Springtime Comparison
Spring seems to present endless opportunities for comparison. They sprout like mushrooms after a damp evening. For me—someone of a certain age—this often leads to discouragement when I consider how my yard measures up.
On good days, I tell myself I like a natural look. I remind myself that it supports a healthy ecosystem. But on bad days, I judge myself for my complacency, lack of drive, failed projects, and my cheap habits that keep me from paying for a yard service. The list goes on.
The Pressure on Younger Generations
For younger people, the opportunities for self-assessment in spring can feel even heavier. Spring is the season of college acceptances and decisions. The first beach trips of the year happen, revealing who won the genetic lottery and who looks like the other 99 percent of us. Summer job offers and internships are on the horizon—or not. Final grades for the semester might depend on one exam or paper due in a few weeks.
In highly competitive communities, perfectionism is often rewarded, and unrealistic goals can develop. The fear of failure, embarrassment, or futility can overwhelm a young person’s ability to think rationally. They might catastrophize: “I didn’t get into that college, I’m never going to find a job, and I’ll probably end up homeless.” They might also fall into black-and-white thinking: “If I don’t make the lacrosse team, I won’t play at all because the coach obviously hates me.”
Parents: Helping Your Child Differentiate Reality from Distortion
Parents play an essential role in helping young people differentiate between distorted thinking and what is real. As adults, we can remind ourselves why thoughts about our yard and neighbors’ yards are faulty. After indulging in a few prickly feelings, we can regroup and carry on. We know that our yard is not a reflection of our worth. Unfortunately, young people may have a harder time separating their identity from their accomplishments (or disappointments).
You Are Your Child’s Safe Haven
You, as a parent, are your child’s safe haven. This is powerful. In a world where comparison is constant, and simple decisions can paralyze, you can create a respite at home. Our kids need a place where they feel accepted for who they are—not what they accomplish. Mistakes and disappointments are opportunities for connection and problem-solving.
Offering Support in the Midst of Emotional Overwhelm
When your child feels overwhelmed, flooded by feelings of shame or failure, you must offer support to help them organize their emotions before they can address what stirred them up.
The key to this is your calm, non-judgmental presence. It gives them space to gather their feelings and think clearly.
The Power of the Pause
When kids feel uncomfortable, it’s natural for us to feel the same. If we rush into problem-solving or try to talk them out of their feelings too soon, we risk making things worse. Recognize that the discomfort you feel is because they are feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes, the best support you can give is a quiet, accepting presence. This gives both you and your child time to calm down and prepare for the next steps. There is power in that pause.
Modeling Healthy Perfectionism
Think about your own relationship with perfectionism. Are you tolerant of your own quirks and imperfections? Can you laugh at yourself? How does your partner react when things go wrong at home?
Our kids are always observing us, even when we think they aren’t paying attention. Be aware of how you handle imperfection, both in yourself and others.
Helping Your Child Cope with Comparison
When your child is stuck in a pattern of comparing themselves to others, try reflecting on how hard it must feel not to measure up—whether it’s about appearance, grades, or possessions.
In a calm moment, offer alternative perspectives. Normalize comparison; it’s hard to avoid comparing ourselves, but what we compare ourselves to isn’t always real. Gently explore their black-and-white thinking and encourage curiosity about other explanations for what they see.
Look for words like “always” and “never,” which can signal a rigid mindset. Model for your child that, even though we all compare ourselves to others, it’s possible to stay true to who we are.
Limiting Social Media’s Influence
Finally, and this is really hard, try to limit your child’s exposure to social media. Research shows these platforms can be toxic for young people.
Recognizing Perfectionism on a Continuum
Perfectionism exists on a continuum. Many of these behaviors are temporary and can be managed at home. Watch for red flags such as disengagement from activities they once enjoyed, changes in eating or exercise habits, disrupted sleep patterns, or shifts in relationships with trusted friends.
Birch Therapy: Support for Parents
If you need support, Birch Therapy is here to help! We offer therapy and coaching for parents at all stages of their journey. We also have therapists who specialize in working with teens. Reach out if you want to learn more!
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Other Services Offered at Birch Therapy in North Carolina
At Birch Therapy in Raleigh, NC, we offer more than just play therapy for children. In addition to our child therapy services, we also provide counseling for teens, trauma therapy, Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), Parent Coaching, and parent groups/classes. We offer psychological testing for ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders, mood disorders, anxiety disorders (including PTSD), and more. Our services also include neurodivergent affirming therapy, a social skills group for kids, the Girl C.O.D.E program for girls in grades 3-5, community workshops, clinical supervision, the Circle of Security® Classroom, and evidence-based therapies such as Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) and EMDR. At Birch Therapy, we are committed to supporting children, teens, and parents with a variety of therapeutic options tailored to their needs. We hope to come alongside you and your family, providing the support you need every step of the way.