Understanding PDA

Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA): Strategies and Insights

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a behavior profile characterized by difficulty coping with demands and expectations, which often results in high levels of anxiety and avoidance behaviors. These behaviors go beyond simple defiance; they are rooted in a deep need for control and an intense reaction to perceived pressures. Strategies that reduce pressure, offer choices, and foster a supportive environment where the child feels safe can be incredibly helpful. This approach can make a significant difference in managing PDA-related behaviors effectively. In recent years, there has been growing awareness and discussion around PDA, particularly regarding its connections to Autism and ADHD. PDA often involves a constant need for dopamine, intense sensory input, and novelty. These needs can feel at odds with the anxiety and desire for consistency that often accompany PDA.

As a parent, how do we navigate this complex dynamic?
How do we avoid power struggles without feeling like we’re “giving in” all the time? The reality is that even if parents adopt a very low-demand approach to avoid conflict, a child with PDA may still appear dysregulated because of their ongoing need for stimulation and input. It can feel overwhelming, to say the least.

As the parent of four kids—including a 14-year-old son with PDA—I don’t claim to be an expert, but I’ve learned a few things on this journey that might help you, too:

1. The PDA Parenting Process Will Test Your Sanity – But You’re Not Neurotic.
   PDA, quite frankly, defies logic. Autism can be just as perplexing. There’s no definitive guidebook, and most parenting resources only add to the confusion or frustration. Even as educated, logical adults, the behaviors tied to PDA can leave us bewildered. Why does brushing teeth feel like a battlefield? Or wearing pants in freezing weather turn into an epic showdown? It’s exhausting – the small struggles add up. But here’s the thing: You are not a bad parent, and you’re not losing your mind (even though it feels like it sometimes). I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve had my son tested for autism – twice – because the uncertainty was overwhelming. And yes, he still refuses to wear pants, even when it’s 18 degrees outside.

2. You’ll Feel Like a Broken Record – Because You Are.
   Even with minimal, pared-down rules – maybe just two or three non-negotiables – you’ll find yourself repeating them daily. Every. Single. Day. It’s not logical, but it’s part of the PDA brain’s demand avoidance. Even the most familiar, safe, and reasonable expectations are met with resistance. Post-it notes, checklists, reminders – none of it stops the pushback. This is their brain’s way of asserting control, no matter how many times they’ve successfully completed the same task. The pushback you receive tomorrow will be different today. The trigger yesterday is different from tomorrow’s trigger. This is one of the many reasons why it is hard to process the power struggles as a parent. We begin to accommodate and change our wording to fit the perceived need, when in reality, it is nothing that we, as parents, are saying or doing. It is strictly the neurology of PDA. 

3. It’s the Longest Marathon You’ll Ever Run.
   Believe it or not, it gets easier as they grow older. Autonomy is key. The more freedom they have to make their own choices, the less they feel threatened. Offering choices for less significant matters creates a give-and-take dynamic that allows them to meet you halfway on the “must-dos.” Over time, this helps them develop a rhythm that feels right for them, leading to more self-regulation and less intervention from you.

4. Ask: “Which Need is Immediate?”
   When they’re overwhelmed by multiple physical or emotional needs, it helps to guide them in prioritizing. We often ask, “Check in with your body – what does it need right now?” This simple question empowers them to self-assess. A year ago, my son couldn’t answer this, but now, it’s become a vital tool in his self-regulation toolkit.

5. The Rules of PDA Don’t Make Sense – And That’s Okay.
   Not everyone recognizes PDA as a legitimate condition, and some doctors remain skeptical. To them, I say: Spend an afternoon with us. The overlap between PDA, autism, ADHD, and anxiety creates a unique and fluid behavioral profile. It’s not about fitting neatly into diagnostic boxes; it’s about recognizing the interplay of symptoms. Sometimes it’s calm; other times, it feels like playing Whack-a-Mole. The impulsivity of ADHD, the rigidity of autism, and the anxiety all contribute to the complex experience of PDA.

6. They’d Make Perfect Only Children.
   Have you noticed how delightful they can be in one-on-one situations? The majority of our challenges stem from sibling dynamics, where the PDA brain perceives constant threats. This often leads to survival-mode responses like verbal or physical conflict. Yet, these daily sibling interactions are invaluable for teaching essential social skills they’ll need in the real world. It’s tough, but it’s worth it.

7. Progress Often Feels Like One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back.
   This sums it up, doesn’t it? PDA parenting is an unpredictable journey without a clear map. Two resources that have been lifesavers for me are Amanda Diekman’s Low-Demand Parenting and Casey Ehrlich, Ph.D.’s Instagram account, @atpeaceparents. From the daily battles over teeth brushing to ice cream obsessions, they provide validation and practical tools for navigating the chaos.

   You’ve got this. Keep going. Or give me a call and we can both commiserate and love them well together.