The Middle Space

Trying to get out of the house the first Monday after Thanksgiving I searched for my winter coat and gym shoes. I ultimately located the coat on the floor of my daughter’s room. Then I realized she accidentally took my shoes back to college with her. 

For those of us with kids who have left home for college, boarding school, or extended travel, these winter holidays can be a chance to reconnect. Reuniting with young people who have left home for some period of time creates opportunities to freshen up holiday traditions and develop new meaningful rituals that reflect the changing stages of family life. At the same time though, while the young person has been gone, much at home stays the same – the same values, daily routines, the same responsibilities. 

A young adult in this stage exists in a middle space - still very much a member of the family and a dependent adolescent (think monthly allowance,  tuition, car insurance, phone plan), but at the same time moving about with more independence and interacting with friends, teachers and bosses who are helping them do the work of seeing the world in a different way. As my hectic morning illustrates, their homecoming can bring warmth and energy into a home that has lacked their presence, but it can also upset the new routines established in their absence.

With Thanksgiving behind us and the longer winter holiday to come, we at Birch Therapy have been helping families identify frequent points of friction with young adults back home. Preserving a spirit of warmth and celebration in the coming weeks while maintaining long standing values and boundaries is possible when parents and caregivers spend some time considering the following challenges. 

1. Chores/responsibilities - What are your non-negotiables? Dishes loaded in the dishwasher? Bed made every morning? Where can parents lean into what must happen and where can they let up a little bit? Where can parents make an allowance for someone who has lived in a dorm and might have a creative sense of order in their personal space? If the young person is responsible for laundry, how does a parent set the expectation that the pile doesn’t block the washing machine the first morning home and stay there until 11 p.m. the night before the end of break? 

2. Sleeping habits - Young people returning home might be on a different clock after late nights studying or out with friends at school. How can parents address people moving around the house or coming and going after-hours when they (and maybe younger siblings) are trying to sleep for the next day. If someone sleeping until 1 p.m. is going to send an adult through the roof, that might be worth discussing. If the break is a chance to relax and recharge, how do families balance that with a need to maintain a productive schedule in the house? Families might also need to have a conversation about a curfew, what worked in high school might need an update for someone returning home.

3. Time with friends/time with family - For some kids, returning home means reconnecting with friends who have scattered. Balancing their desire for social time, or a need to take quiet time alone and without interacting, with the expectation that they make time for immediate family and also grandparents and holiday guests can be a source of conflict. Setting the expectations ahead of time with a goal of balancing flexibility with your own non-negotiables can be helpful. 

4. Criticizing/judging your norms - Sometimes young people return home full of new observations of the world, their families, their sense of themselves.These ideas bubbling around might come with some feedback about home and norms that don’t feel respectful. When families are able to take these opinions in stride and recognize the feedback is often more about the young person trying to figure out her own values and less about the home and family that can take the sting out. These moments can be a signal to parents to be curious instead of responding defensively or with anger. 

5. Eating, diet, consumption - In our experience at Birch Therapy, one of the best ways to derail a family gathering is to comment on a young person’s eating habits, weight or consumption. Remember this person has been away from home feeding him or herself with varying degrees of success. If a parent notices a change in appearance or habit that warrants attention, can that be handled privately and with curiosity? Any comments over a meal or in front of others is almost guaranteed to trigger shame or embarrassment.

6. The things we don’t like to talk about (alcohol, drugs, sleeping arrangements) – These are the really sticky areas that can quickly sour time at home. The fact is that kids who have been away from home may engage in behaviors that challenge our most basic concept of authority in the home. The problem is that a rigid, authoritarian response that takes an all-or-nothing approach might not disrupt these behaviors and may make the problem worse. When young people want to be treated as adults, families can help by communicating with them openly as adults and creating a solution that works for all. What are your family’s boundaries around intoxication, what example do the adults set around intoxication? If a romantic partner visits or sleeps over, what are the adults’ expectations about sleeping arrangements. Some caregivers might be ok with sharing a room, others would never tolerate that. Either response is legitimate, but parents can help by initiating an open and tolerant dialogue about their boundaries. 

7. Times to seek outside help – At Birch Therapy we encourage families to seek support under some circumstances. If parents’ marital status has changed, the holidays will present unique challenges. If a young person returns home and is not engaging in any activities that were previously rewarding, if a previously social person is suddenly isolating, if habits with alcohol or on-line activities seem way out of the norm it might be time to seek help. Any sign of disordered eating or an exercise habit that interferes with normal routine are red flags. Finally, if a young person struggles to maintain basic cooperation and respect in the home or demonstrates a deep sense of grief or anger, it  might be time to seek outside support.

The more that adults in the home can stay consistent and aligned in their expectations, the better the outcomes will be. Choosing battles, maintaining a sense of flexibility and humor all go a long way toward fostering a successful visit home. If everything becomes a power struggle it’s hard to set a limit with something that really is non-negotiable. Parents who are able to maintain a fundamentally positive view of their young people, even in the midst of challenging behaviors, report greater openness and trust in their relationships. 

There is joy that comes with observing young people in this “in-between” space. Watching them develop into adults who embody our values in their new lives while exploring where they will differ from us can be humbling and rewarding. Sadness might be present, too – the end of childhood, letting go of the things we were once able to control and fix for them. All these feelings are heightened when they burst back home full of newfound independence.