The Unspoken Language of Children

“Use your words!” If I had a dime for every time I used that phrase with my children in their toddler years, I would be a very wealthy woman. “Use your words!” I barked whenever they were struggling, sad, frustrated, crying and anything that was outside the realm of happy and compliant.

And I regret it. All of it.

Of course, I could offer myself some grace and compassion. I was doing my best, following the parenting advice of the time and trying to build their language skills. None of those are bad things. They just weren’t realistic. Children can’t articulate their feelings alone, they have years of development before they can accomplish that skill. They need us to show them the way. One of the most relevatory concepts is that children are already showing us what they need… their behavior is actually it’s own language. The tricky part is how to understand it and preserve the bond you have with them along the way. Children have two fundamental needs that are hardwired into their biology, exploration and connection. Every child, regardless of race, gender or culture, has a need to be relationally connected to safe adults. With this emotionally safe relationship in place, every child needs to explore their world, in small and large ways. Throughout this circular pattern of explore- connect-explore-connect children are communicating with us in various ways and their behavior is telling the story. See Me! Delight in Me! Help Me! And Comfort Me! Yes, we may notice behavior first but what is the true need underneath it?

The toddler tantrum may get our attention. The teen acting out is a big, huge red flag. It is a clear and LOUD behavior. Next, we can ask ourselves, what is the underlying emotional need? Maybe it is a tired, hungry, thirsty child. Maybe it’s a teen that needs some freedom – and appropriate accountability – to feel the autonomy they so crave. Sometimes we are called to support their exploration. Sometimes we need to slow down ourselves to connect. Oftentimes we must help them organize their feelings. Yes, we need to help them find their words. This is what was so hard for me all those years ago. Just. Slow. Down. Model what it looks like to find your calm.

A transformative experience in my own parenting journey was when I took part in a Circle of Security Parenting group. All of a sudden, the pattern of explore-connect-explore-connect made perfect sense. I had language for the underlying emotional needs of my kids. This abstract relational dance had clarity and definition and most of all, I wasn’t chasing behaviors. Instead, I was addressing the true source of the issue – the need for connection. It truly changed my life, and I hope it improved the lives of my children. Our shared life together most certainly became more peaceful and meaningful. When we spend the time investing in understanding and connecting, everything improves. It may take practice; it definitely doesn’t need to be perfect. Please join us at Birch Therapy to explore what connection and exploration look like in your family. It’s time well spent, and we won’t force you to find your words. I promise.